today i learnt your dreams die only and if you tell yourself “it’s just a dream”.
Hiatus Kaiyote - Nakamarra
finally got a free time to draw this one
There are sounds that I’ve never heard, but only heard of. Like the sound of the great veil that ripped in two when Jesus died. I wonder whether Caesar’s voice was hoarse and rattling when he said whatever he actually said to Brutus, or whether the blood pooled silent and thickening beneath his back. I wonder what noises my little dog made when he was born, whether it was anything like the “shush” he made when he crumbled in my arms. What did the first cicada that ever existed sound like? Did it cry like it was mourning the sun back then too? When Ravel placed his index finger on B-flat, when Barber gathered his breath like a stack of worn love letters, when Hemingway pulled the fucking trigger, I suppose it was like the clatter that a deck of cards makes when it spills out of hands—loose and un-contained. I pull and I pull and I pull at the drawstrings, at the cursive of one man’s scrawl, in an attempt to see the line that separates day from night, but the universe is empty—three shot glasses collecting only what cannot be.
I tore my curtains in half this morning. Just to hear the end as it was meant to be.
Anonymous said: I often find myself afraid to do things, things that I really want to do, especially exploring. I tend to over-think things, worry aimlessly, and talk myself out of them... I was wondering how you do the things you do. How do you muster the energy to try new things? I've found a comfort zone, its fun but boring at the same time if you know what I mean. I don't want to always lead a safe and boring life, Could you recommend some steps to help me make life interesting and intriguing? Thank You.
you know, i know that feeling. sometimes i just stay in my house for days. i’m scared of a lot of things, especially minor mundane interactions with other humans. worrying about that sort of thing keeps me inside and away from everything. but for me, all i have to do is think about the great amazing things in the world, and how there are so many things it’s so unlikely that i will ever see. like, realistically, i will never ever get to go to my dream places, like gunkanjima or pripyat or a million others. that will probably never happen. but i can go to the places down the street, the creepy old bar or the empty diner or the abandoned house or the forest i’ve been to a thousand times, and those are places some other people will never see. so i start with a nice playlist of songs and headphones and walking. and then driving. make yourself make small movements. and every place is special and weird, even if you’ve been looking at the same old shit your whole life. your world is real and strange and obscure and novel to someone else. so start with that. and then keep going. and soon enough you’re far enough away, farther than you could have imagined.
I think I need a new profile pic. And a fresh theme. I might just remake my tumblr entirely. I feel like I’m beginning to actively achieve my mantra of “Quit mud. Conquer continents”. I’m thinking of changing it to “Everything Is Illuminated In Retrospect”. Either that or “Better In Tune With The Infinite”. Time is most definitely the teacher.
I want to ask myself “Why do I fall in love with every woman that gives me the least bit of attention?”. Recently I’ve been thinking, why not? Why not fall in love with every man, woman and child? Why not find the laughter of everyone beautiful, and the light in their eyes endearing?
Why not see a can of soup as art? Why not marvel over the craftsmanship of its shape and purpose and texture, or the design of the label? Why not think about how many people it took to produce that can? Two? Ten? Fifty? Or what it might become when its recycled; part of a plane that goes missing on a flight to Malaysia, or part of a car carrying the Archduke of Austria moments before he gets killed, sparking the greatest war the world has ever seen.
Why not take pleasure in never knowing whether you’re wrong or right?
Why not fall in love where possible?
I learnt what it means to fall in love on my way home yesterday. I think I’m falling in love with possibility. I can’t wait to meet actualisation.
P.S. Taking this into consideration, I’ve decided that mind reading is the worst superpower in the history of imagination.
Taylor McFerrin - Postpartum
I’d asked somewhere between paying by card and her asking if I needed a bag. Something inside had told me to speak to her; be more than just another customer. She smiled and told me she had seen it in the cinema and it’s really good. I was really happy to hear her say it cos I’d been hoping for that response, but happier still to hear her speak with such enthusiasm, as if she’d wanted to say it as soon as I’d handed it to her.
In the end, that’s all that was said really. It was a nice 30 seconds of conversation at least. I was ready to leave when she suddenly stopped me.
"Actually, let me just check I took off the tag".
I held up the bag I’d told her I didn’t need and she did her check, all the while with me smiling in my heart.
When she asked to check for the tag, I thought about her, and her life. I wondered whether the film meant the same to her as it did to me. I wondered whether she’d had a night like mine last night; if I was validating anything she felt that night by showing up.
I thought about how my only intention that day had been to go out and buy this Taylor McFerrin album. I thought about how I’d suddenly stopped myself from going back to the station and decided to buy Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and how I’d spontaneously decided I wanted to buy the 1971 film on Blu Ray too. I thought of how I’d spent 10 minutes walking in the wrong direction and not caring a bit, enjoying the trees and the people and the neighbourhood, eventually stumbling upon Westfield Shopping Centre, the largest shopping centre in Europe, where I was standing right then.
I thought of how not finding the 1971 adaptation led me to remember a Blu-Ray I’d been wanting for a month. A film I’d been raving about ever since which shares the same name as a tag I’d been using on this blog for years to write love.
It was Her.
I stood there, thinking. Thinking things that may seem tedious to you, but all so very relevant to me, the most pressing of thoughts being:
“What if, just as I was about to leave, something inside told her to speak to me too?”
A week ago, I probably would’ve thought nothing about this encounter, but the previous 24 hours had seriously given me a new outlook on life, and just remembering the story of The Alchemist and playing Little Dragon’s Constant Surprises that morning had got me living, walking, seeing and hearing different.
I know it’s possible for me to be wrong, and I don’t care how crazy it sounds, but something inside me tells me I’ve never been more right in my entire life, and it’s the best feeling ever. I want to believe and dream. The concept of love at first sight makes so much sense to me.
She handed back the bag. I smiled and thanked her.
I think I might apply to work at that hmv. I’d been looking for a job anyway. That, and a life.
Taylor McFerrin’s Early Riser LP, Spike Jonze’s Her Blu-Ray, and a hardcover copy of Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Yesterday was a good day.
Little Dragon - Constant Surprises
I’m sorry, but The Alchemist is the fucking truth. Respect to Paulo Coelho.
Definitely gonna need my copy of The Alchemist back. Exactly what I need to be reading at the moment.