why ignore if you still lurk.
- I don’t think I want to go anywhere tomorrow. Not this year, anyway.
- I’m really happy with the music I posted the other day.
- I’d much rather be by myself tomorrow. I wish people could understand that without taking offence.
- Solitude makes me more focused. I’m finally being productive and getting my priorities straight.
- I hate expectations and guilt trips.
'Warrior Stance' - Model: Ajak Deng | Photography: Steven Klein | Styling: Edward Enninful | Hair: Orlando Pita | Make-up: Kabuki | Designer: Vera Wang
foundations set. almost done.
I think I make good music now.
My favourite days are the ones where I run through Wikipedia pages, learning about new things. Directors, actors, artists, films, albums, producers, wars, drugs, cities, history. I like days where I’m watching videos and reading interviews and thought pieces on my favourite things. I like being spoilt for choice, spending my time collating and amassing collections, downloading 5 films and 10 albums in a night.
Most of all, my favourite days are the ones that get me excited and leave me inspired. Having your interest held on a single subject for longer than you imagined and your curiosity pushing you further, traversing new avenues; down alternate versions, director’s cuts and related videos. Prequels, sequels, and source material. Concepts, theories, and ideologies. Having so many tabs open that Chrome runs out of memory and crashes.
These are a few of my favourite things. Falling in love with the art of creation.
It’s this girl.
Chuck Inglish ft. Chance The Rapper - Glam
We went back to playing Soul Calibur V. A few rounds in, I started noticing a difference in the colours. They seemed to come out more vividly, a little awe-inspiring. The light from the lamp in my periphery felt bolder; a hot white. The coloured light of the bubble lamp on the other side of the room was drawing my attention too. "I’m not… am I?". I realised I was losing focus on the game, pressing random button combinations, so I went back to focusing on the screen.
The impact colours in the game were particularly becoming more metallic to me. My heartbeat started to quicken, beating heavy in my chest. I felt a rush of blood to my head. Was my body reacting bad to taking so much? I was panicking a little. Suddenly I felt like I could feel all the pores on my face opening. I sat back into myself and smiled. "I.. I think I am".
I told him I wasn’t in the mood to play any more and let him play arcade. I was in a mood to simply watch and observe things. Besides, I realised the last couple of rounds that I wasn’t paying any attention to the buttons I was pressing. My eyes wandered to a canvas photo on the wall. My mind was working differently, focusing in on individual aspects of the painting. At first I think my brain power is more focused, but then I wonder if it’s been slowed down to a speed where I can see on an miniscule level how the brain takes in large scale information. There was so much depth to the photo, it had an almost 3D quality to it. The car, the lampost, the houses. I felt like something could be inbetween the car and the coloured terrace. Myles laughed and asked if I was alright. I told him it was a nice painting.
Seb finally shows up just as Myles suggest we see how long it’ll take for him to figure it out. I can’t stop cheesing. This is stupidly stupid. I feel a tingling rising from my feet and decide to go with it. I wonder whether if going with it intensifies any effects, but it feels good to go with it. Inhaling, I let it wash over me. "It comes in waves", a phrase that’d later be oft-quoted by Seb. I tell him "I can tell you’re filming" so he stops. Something is said and I let out an "aha" that seemed to go on forever. It’s weird losing control of your words like that.
Claiming a sore throat, I get up to get a cup of water from my house, only to walk 6 steps, reach the sliding door, and take 20 seconds to remember why I’m leaving. Just before I leave, I turn around to face them and say "Walking will be an experience". God, I probably sounded so dumb saying this stuff, but I wanted to share my experience with someone as it was happening, even if they weren’t ideal candidates. I feel tipsy walking across the grass to my sliding door. I lean against the counter, staring at the glass of water in my hand. The first person perspective feels very apparent to me; my arm extends from out of sight and the glass is so very in-my-face. "This is definitely different". Alone in the kitchen, I smile a slow, heavy smile again. I play with depth, focusing on the glass in my hand to a bottle on the other side of the kitchen. I go back briefly, but leave again, claiming I need to do work.
I go back to my room and watch adult swim “Off The Air” animations. I’m not expecting much because I know that’s not how it works, but colours draw me in, so I watch. I notice that my mind is paying extra attention to individual intricacies while long term remains on back burner. As I typed, revelling and marvelling in every finger dragged over the serrated keys, I hadn’t even noticed that my leaning up in bed was slowly falling into me laying down in bed. My mind is nowhere because it’s everywhere.
I stared at this image the most. It kinda confirmed what I’d noticed above, but slightly differently. At first I was focused on a single element. Then I grew to acknowledge another coexisting element. Slowly, my mind was taking in the entire image. It was like what I was seeing was literally growing in activity and I was seeing layers upon layers. There’s a knock at the door. Georgia asks me to open up. I know why she’s here.
"Are you high?".
We go back to Myles’ for a while. I’m sure he’s glad to have finally succeeded in his task. I think about taking more to push me “over”, but he’s set it aside and I didn’t want to ask. I fall back to staring at the canvas. Myles jokes about me seeing things, then asks "You’re not actually seeing things, are you?". I tell him I’m not. Seb asks if that’s possible but Myles doesn’t answer. I wonder.
Sometime during the night I think about how you’d have wanted to be there. Things are messed up and today is sure to be a trying situation if you return with no changes.
"Dogtooth", Lanthimos (2009).
I can go through 22 pages on solarmovie.so and only find one film I’m vaguely interested in seeing, but go to the Sundance Festival website and want to watch 90% of all the films on show. I wish the London Sundance didn’t suck ass so much. There’s never as wide of a range and none of the films I wanna see make it over.
A year late, but I finally downloaded Fruitvale and Mister & Pete. I don’t think I can watch movies with my neighbours any more. When I’m in the mood to rewatch Dogtooth (something recently reminded me of it), they’ll want to watch The Lizzie McGuire Movie, and as much as I enjoy watching things with them, I’m rarely stimulated.